When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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