I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
