I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
