I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
