she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
