Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
