I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
