Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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