Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
