A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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