I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
