too bad you live with your parents still
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
