I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So many bounce houses so little time
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
