He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm passing your future prison.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
40s are totally the cure
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
