my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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