i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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