Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
