On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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