i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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