Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Come on in and take your pants off
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