Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
