Well apparently he's into motor boating.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
