How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
