im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
