The maid of honor just puked.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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