This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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