my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
