How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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