i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
