Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
