look no pants
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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