im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
