I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
