dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
