Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
