I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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