Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
