Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
