he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
