And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
