Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
