I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
