I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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