you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
