How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
