New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
