now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
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I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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