I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
