Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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