After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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