literally had 100 drinks last night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
