chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
