I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
