Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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