I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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