awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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