she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
