3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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